I guess it’s about time I updated my blog abit. Plenty of things have happened and times have been hard. But I’m still here typing this, so I must be alright.

Let’s try summarizing everything, but don’t mind if I sound delusive:

Someone shoved the most painful ever experience in my face and I nearly did not make it out alive. Literally.

I thought I found something then, but then I lost it. And all because I was naïve and foolish and did not care to think.

No amount of apologies or actions will make up for my wrongs. And they may say otherwise, but they know the truth within themselves.

I lost plenty of things before that night was done. But is it friendship or pity reaching out to me? Or a fear of guilt if the unspeakable happens?

I tried to climb out of the abyss, but from some point of views, it is a way of life, I am perfectly fine and I can most certainly wait. And so I shall, or wither first; we shall see.

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I had my chance and I gave it up. And now I no longer care to reach for it; a futile move it would seem.

If by locking everything behind a door with no key can wipe it all away, then that key shall never be found.

If to laugh is to celebrate, and to smile is to enjoy, then I shall celebrate and enjoy this life that I have.

If disappearance brings serenity and silence brings peace then you shall have the best of both.

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When nothing seems to matter anymore, and yet I keep on waking to each day, I know time has not stopped.

And when wetness rolls down my face and I look up to see rain, I shall rejoice. For I have not to give, a drop of tear.

I do not have pain, sorrow, or even a frown. They are not for me.

And is it a hope when I think of what might be happening? Or could I still be dreaming?

Does anyone really hope for such a future? Or a non-future?

Or perhaps, like a fly in a spider web, I shall be caught and struggle till the end comes? But will I even struggle?

Oh, the questions I have.

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I was happier when I dreamt, of fantasies too far fetched to happen yet believing they just might. I remember dreamily, all those imaginary conversations I had with that other person, how we’d speak of everyday life as though I was there in that realm.

I need that memory now, I need those dreams now.

I was a dreamer, though how I could be one evades me still.

I dreamt my happiness up but at least there was some.

I cried for imaginary pain, and laughed at imaginary sweetness. I even touched an imaginary face.

‘Could she be any more insane?’

But I was happy.

Could there be anymore of a reason?

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The process of growing up might sometimes catch you by surprise. And while I do not claim to have grown up, at least I know a little more now.

I still live in denial, still believe in certain lies.

But I see truth when I should, and I try, at the very least, to be sincere to my uttermost best abilities.

I am still skeptical, but I am willing to believe in more. At least when faced with the eyes of an honest stranger.

I may still sigh when alone, but at least when I smile, I mean it.

I honestly want to move on.

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Maybe things might never change with me and you, but if it’s okay with you, I do honestly wish for you to be happy.

Today, I realised just how slimming black can be.

I was on the bus to work just an hour ago when this young lady probably no two years older then me boarded. She was dressed in black and moved up to the back of the bus to look around for a seat but sadly there were none. Strangely, the guy beside me started figeting in his seat as though his butt was itchy but before I could figure out what was going on, a lady two seats infront stood up and gave up her seat to the lady in black.

'Strange', I wondered. 'What's so special about this lady in black?'

And as she smiled gratefully at the other lady and turned to sit down, I got a glimpse of her belly. Ah yes, she was pregnant. About 6 or 7months so I think.

Now here comes the question... How come I did not notice her huge stomach?!

I blame her black dress. >.<

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Too little, too late.

The thought that some people might sometimes be too bitter to think straight and end up doing strange and aimless things strikes me as stupid. But all the same, I realise that I do such things too, so maybe it's perfectly normal to do stupid things when you are not happy.

However, mentioning that does not mean that I am not happy nor bitter. It just means that I have been thinking. Lolz, and in case that strikes you as surprising, do know that I happen to think alot; too much for that matter.

Was not feeling well earlier today and stayed curled up in bed till 5pm haha. But I was not asleep, sadly. Just curled up. Felt better by dinner time and got up to eat abit before heading to Yishun to meet Snowryn to pick up my stuff from Mayuki spree! Haha, very happy to receive them, was still doing a mini fashion show just now. =D Will post the photos up another day, need to bug my sister to upload it for me because stupid me does not know how to use the digital camera. =X

I seem to keep postponing my meeting with NingYing though, due to unforseen circumstances. =/ Sorry!

Hope tomorrow will be more fun. Am anticipating some good times. =D

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Fate brings alot of trouble.

Today was a rather eventful day. You could say I accomplished alot of things.

Firstly, I woke up at 930am (the first in a long while) to prepare for my interview later in the day. Went down to the job agency first for a short briefing before heading to the interview location. Sadly, being all alone, I could not have lunch for I didn't know how to get a seat. In the end I grabbed a drink and a bun and ate it walking. *Sad*

The interview went okay I guess, the people were all friendly and the environment there was nice, but I'm not sure if they'll hire me since they seem to want someone to stay long term and I have no such plans. By right there was supposed to be two rounds of interview, the second coming from the directors there but just as I was leaving the building, they called me and asked me if I could go for the second round since the directors had just walked in. Quite funny if I may say.

After that I went back to NYP *Play Blue's Long Time* to pick up my diploma cert in high heels. Can I say that I nearly died walking back to the MRT station? Lol.. And from there I headed down to Carol's place nearby to exchange a pair of shorts that had been mixed up with Brianca and to pick up a pair of white heels from Rebecca's spree~~

The shoes are really sweet looking too! I can't wait to receive my boots and ribbon heels as well. ^^

Nice? Hehe~ Thanks to Carol and Brianca for the spree! Yeah!~

Anyway, it seemed like a fairly eventful day even though I think tomorrow is going to be quiet. I never got around to baking that cake though... =X

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Pain has never felt so strange.

Work these days have been getting from bad to worst. My cannot-be-bothered-manager just keeps throwing rubbish at me. Can't stand his nonsense!!! I need a real job!!! >.< Searching reaaaally hard now, hope I'll get one soon ba...

Sis says she's planning on going bangkok in 2 months time, so I need to save up! Because I want to go too! =D For the past 2 months all I've been doing is online shopping. And I've only come to fully realise now that it really isn't as safe as it is. I have 1 missing parcel and 2 missing organisers. =( Hope everything turns out right soon ba... *Hopeful.* And that's why I believe real shopping would be safer! Aha! I am a rocket scientist! Lol~~

Hm... To that fella who does not even know how to spell anonymous, (I beg your pardon, but spelling errors really get to me), you know, this is life, I'm sure you aren't a saint yourself. Of course, I'm not stopping you from saying anything, (just as I am not saying you aren't a saint) but just the same, this is my life and my blog of which I use to mention my 'exciting', if not repetitive, life. If you don't like it, don't read it. That little cross on the upper right corner of the screen is not there for display only. Alright? (No hard feelings okay? =D)

I think I've been too much of a ranter lately. I'm scaring even myself! Lol! But with all bad things that come your way, sooner or later good things follow too, that's what I think. And my good thing is... Well... I'd much rather keep it in my heart, but it's something that makes me smile sometimes, even if I know I shouldn't be. Hm... Wonder if that makes sense. Lol~

I believe I might be blabbering too. But this is what happens when you lots of thing to say but you know that saying them isn't going to make life any better and so you do the next best thing, blabber. Ah, I shall bake tomorrow. Yummy. But I can't decide what I want to bake. Hm... Nothing fancy though... I might post some pics if I get around to it hehe. =)

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The colour of you.

I'll admit I was not in the best of moods today. It started out okay, even quite exciting, for I was eager for tomorrow to come. But that changed, and sadly, it made me realise and find out alot of things.

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I always have to make the first move. I do not like that.

Your priorities do not include me. I do not like that too.

You can agree to anything that she says, but you object my every suggestion. I dislike that.

You find her calling your friends up to check on you a cannot-help-it situation. I despise that.

You find my paranoia annoying but hers is taken and treated with cautious. I am sick of that.

You think that I cannot meet other guys but you don't think twice about meeting other girls. I am sick of that.

You do not stop to think that you have no say in who I see or what I do. I am sick of that.

You don't give me the time of the day when you think I am your pawn but scramble to pay attention to me when you fear I might slip away. I taunt that.

In the end, you are just being you. I HATE that.

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Perhaps it would do well for me to tell you this.

I am neither your toy nor your fool. I might have been once, but I'm starting to catch on now that being an idiot does not help things at all.

If my existence makes you blind to the fact that you are so far gone in that rut of yours, then I shall teach you, or help you to make your situation perfectly clear.

If you think that this time would be the same as all the last time, you are greatly mistakened.

Because I no longer see you as that guy who was so strong and powerful. But as that guy who could not make a stand.

Perhaps you might have forgotten, but I do not take kindly to guys who are useless. You are close to, if not in, that circle.

It is a fine line, between being liked, and being despised by me. For there is no grey area. Only black and white.

And my opinion might not matter to anyone else, but I'm sure, once you feel it, it will matter to you.

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3, 2, 1. Counting down the time.

Not an official update, but was just browsing Brianca's blog and tried out this quiz.

Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman

Inside you've got the passion and ideals of a teenager. And your intensity for life is what attracts most of the men you date. You also like to party - and quite often you're the life of the party. You've brought the best of your younger years with you... at least most of the time.

I personally think that this is totally inaccurate. Because just about everyone I know knows that I am an immature-and-totally-not-a-woman person. Lol.

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You Are 28% Girly

You are a pretty hardcore tomboy, and a very free spirit. Gender roles be dammed, you like to do things your way.

Lolz, now that's more like it. I'm a tomboy! LOL! But I do have my girly moments... Not that I'd show you! LOL!~

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You Don't Need a Man, but You Want One!

You like having a guy in your life, and overall, you prefer not to be single. You won't go out with a guy out of desperation.. you rather be alone. However, when you're single, you do tend to obsess a little over dating. Because no matter how good your single life is, it's better with a great guy around.

Ah yes! And I need a man! >.<

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This is a test I took a few years ago, the results now are almost the same as before, with slight differences in disorders Schizotypal and Dependent, the first used to be 'Very High' and the second used to be just 'High'. There's probably something seriously wrong with me. Sigh...

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What happens once it fades? Do we forget? Do we break down?

Ahh... Just had a little BBQ session with the family right outside our front door. Lol... the chicken wings were nice, but my only regret is that there were no crabsticks and hotdogs. However, there were pork fillets, fish, prawns, sotong, chicken wings, sweet potatos, cuttlefish, and even marshmellows, though the sisters had some problem bbq-ing the marshmallows (I didn't manage to get any, boohoo).

It was a yummy experience! Lolz, because I woke up veeeeeeeeery late and they were halfway through cooking before I made it outside. LOL! Desperate Housewives is addictive, what to do?

The strangest thing though, was that I had a dream about wanting to eat marshmellow just earlier. In that dream, I went to the kitchen to look for some and found green ones and blue ones, but no pink ones! And I just wanted some pink marshmellows! ARGHZ! O_0

The thing is, bbq-ing with marshmellows is not exactly a habit in the family so I have no idea why I dreamt of marshmellows. And true enough, in reality, we still didn't have any pink marshmellows, only green and white. Bleah.

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On another note, with regards to what I have been doing for the whole month that I have not updated *lol*, I can tell you this, NOTHING! >.<

I still have not found a full time job despite all my complains about the stupid ice cream shop and as of now it's time to stop looking again (just a break, but of course I hope I really can stop looking already) because the walk-in interviews are here again. I reallly reaaaaaaally hope I can get in this time. It's getting so frustrating! Gonna have to perfect a sweet and warm smile so that means many hours infront of the mirror! Lol! And about time I went jogging... But no jogging buddy! =( I want nice legs...

Anywayz, most of these days have been spent slacking at home, sleeping till late into the afternoon or evening after a very very late (or is that early?) night of 5, 6 or 7am.

Have also been online shopping like mad and my bank account currently has only 2 digits amount inside. The first time ever since I started working part time 3 years ago that it has ever fallen to such a devastatingly low amount. I will have to tie myself up once next month's pay come in because I still owe my poor meimei money!!! *Sho paiseh!*

Hai... Got one sad thing though, The forums I go too have been overtaken by another person whom can now see what I buy and say. And it's sooooo annoying! Because she don't like me and I don't like her and she has the guy while I don't. =/

And everyone sides with her. I guess I deserve it. Bleah. But it's really damn annoying to want to buy a particular item only to find that she has gotten to it first! Why do we have to like the same things?! Sheeesh...

And I hate how she's treating him. Like some kinda prisoner. Cannot go anywhere, if wanna go have to report every hour (that's what it looks like to me), and if not, she's with him the minute he leaves work. Well, I did tell him, if he doesn't mind then I have nothing to say. But I can see he is not happy (Getting repressed and controlled would not make anyone happy save for a masochist.) and so I tried to talk to him about it. He said he would think about it, but I'm not sure what he plans to do anyway. And I guess that's all I can do to help.

As for my own stupid love life, it's still a big void at the moment. And a part of me wants to take it slowly but another part of me wishes I can just find a guy and forget all feelings for that one other guy.

Sadly, I realised that there is no way I can 'just find a guy' to replace him. Because, having been out on a few dates, I found out that smart guys who are humourous, are perhaps 1 in a million these days. The rest are just dumb, slow, or dry when it comes to humor. Best are the types who can't keep up a conversation and need you to do all the talking! Because I absolutely hate talking about myself all the time! In all past relationships, unless asked, I never talking about myself. I always left the talking to the guy and chipped in once in awhile yet this time I have to blabber on about myself so energetically as though I was born to do it! Most certainly no can do...

Having to talk to a guy who thinks that it's a crime not to have met because we 'stay so near each other' is another no-no (Did I mention that I don't like idiots?). Touching me when we've just met is a drastic no-no too! It just makes me feel that this particular guy is a pervert and a dumb one at that. Sheesh...

As you can now tell, my dates haven't exactly been going well. Sigh... 

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Words can't show you how I feel, screams oppressed do not disperse.

I realised many things today.

I realised that privacy really means alot to me.

I realised that I am actually a very self-righteous person.

I realised that a person can actually have the intention but deny having it.

I realised that I still feel something when I see 9 miss calls from that one person.

But, I realised that the tedious process will take a lot time, but that I am well on my way.

I went to jb with a colleague, my manager and my manager's friend (the driver) today. Why such a strange group, you wonder? That's because my colleague and I had planned to go together with a few other girls on a shopping spree but the other girls could not come and so we decided to go on our own. Our manager overheard  our plan and decided he wanted to go too so he got his friend to do the driving.

It was really a mistake from the very start. One reason would be that my manager did not tell his friend that our main purpose there was to shop. And by mid afternoon, the both of them were complaining that they had walked the whole building already.

Not exactly our fault since we did say we were there to shop and the manager had said, "No problem, you go shop yours, we go shop ours."

Because they kept rushing us, we did not enjoy our shopping and left before visiting all the shops. WC, my colleague, was all moody and annoyed.

Dinner was alright, then after getting lost in search of the way to the customs, we made it back to singapore and after which, WC and I promptly forgot about our passports. >.<

This caused a series of misunderstandings, all of which, stemming from the manager's failure to get his facts right again. It was soooooooo annoying.

The bottomline is that, if you know me, never ever ever let anyone have my number, or I will give you HELL.

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It is, and will always be, a big issue with me.

I realise that when I am feeling low or depressed, I tend to think about food. Then again, when I have nothing to do, my mouth feels like chewing or crunching on something. It is however, a wonder, that I have not grown to the size of a milking cow as of yet since I have been having too much time on my hands and not the best of moods.

When the two combine, it is like a simultaneous thought of food, or rather, foods. I want to eat real food, like noodles, hot porridge, or soup. But I also want to eat snacks, like potato chips (jack & jill, preferrably), twisties, or at the moment bbq bonanza nacho chips. Sadly, asides from a few sticks of original twisties and crispy snack bread, a few pieces of pork chop and chicken pieces, there seems to be nothing to my taste.

I had a thought to explore the foods of Singapore just this thursday night, and thought maybe I could find someone to roam around the map with me for just one day on friday, but sadly, no one called. The only person who even asked, was Ian, who was about 8 hours too late such that dinner was already over.

It was too bad really, for I spent my whole day at home, playing computer games and watching Sex and the City. Speaking of SATC, I am currently at Season 4's first episode and I still have 2 whole seasons to go before I can move on to Desperate Housewives to which I have yet to finish downloading.

SATC is about 4 gorgeous (???) women who live in New York, one is a writer for a sex column in the newspapers, for which the name of the show came about, and then there's the lawyer, the PR executive and the goodie-two-shoes art gallery... Something. I am not too sure if that's her full time job.

But anyway, the storyline of SATC is somewhat upsetting, because the leader female character, Carrie, her love life and it's problems, make me want to slap her enough times each episode. That, however, makes me start thinking about my own love life, which seems similiar enough to hers asides from all those sex partners she seem to change every two days. They all do in fact, change partners I mean. Almost every episode shows them with a different guy, until Charlotte the goodie-two-shoes decide to settle down with an ugly guy (in my opinion) whom they all acknowledge as handsome, sexy and gorgeous (which is the same as handsome I believe).

But not to stray from what I started with, I feel as though I behave like her with regards to relationships. I can't seem to get over a past love, and will go crazy the minute he comes knocking at my door (not that anyone's knocked my door for months), and it's like I lose all rational even though the me watching the show knows that she (or me) is bound to end up getting hurt if she jumps back into that seemingly bottomless pit. That's the thing about shows, it's so similar to real life yet, it's just a show.

As I watch each episode, I am reminded of how I did something which, as I watch Carrie do, I find myself thinking, "No, stupid, don't do that! Are you crazy?" but right after, I realise that it was something I had done too. If it makes sense haha.

Then also, she wanted things in her guy which he could not do or give her, just like I wanted somethings that my him has never been able to give me. But at some point when he did try to give her what she wanted, I started wondering why he could not do it for me.

Right now, I am sitting here, typing away as a nagging little thought gnaw at me from inside. I know for a fact that there are certain people having fun at a certain someone's house and I can't go despite it being about 60+ blocks and 8minutes walk away all because firstly, I was not invited, which is not really the point because of secondly, the presence of a female someone who would not be happy to see me.

So the bottom line is that I was not invited because she was going. Or perhaps, I was just simply not welcome. Which I would rather favor at the moment because the thought of someone hating me is so hurting. Someone female and not a scorned male that is.

I wonder what he could be thinking, if he is enjoying himself, or could he possibly be thinking of me? Nah, can't be. He must be having fun.

And now, after getting this out of my system, I think I shall search for some munchies and start on SATC Season 4.~

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If I knew what I needed, I probably wouldn't be where I was now.